Covering his love life, shroom addiction and more!
As I drifted peacefully off to sleep last night, I found myself walking down a familiar corridor in the dream – verse. It’s the corridor in my blogging building, where most ideas are created. Entering the familiar office, my secretary the Giraffapus handed me a letter.
It was from Mario! Turns out he had read my article about him being a monster and wanted a chance to redeem his name. Naturally I wrote back at once, relishing the chance to talk to this video game titan. I woke up to pee, then fell asleep again. What follows is our interview.
Entering the room in his iconic blue dungarees, the rotund plumber ambled over with an outstretched hand. His white glove was smooth and cold to touch. I was relieved to discover he had assumed a 3D form.
– MARIO: How’s it – a – goin?
– MICHAEL: It’s going great, Mr. Mario.
– MARIO: Please, call me Super.
– MICHAEL: You weren’t always called Mario though, were you? Your first appearance in the video game world was under a different moniker, right?
MARIO: That’s – a – correct. I landed my first job in Donkey Kong, back in the early 80’s.
-MICHAEL: You were the villain known as Jumpman, correct?
-MARIO: The evil carpenter.
The now plumber takes a moment to overcome his emotions. Giraffapus hands him a glass of water.
Thankfully, I managed to escape the seedy world of barrel throwing and got my own title two years later.
-MICHAEL: And what a title it was! Super Mario Bros. blew us all away, and turned you into a multi – million dollar franchise. Nowadays your name is synonymous with gaming.
MICHAEL: With the fame though, came the lifestyle. Tell us about Princess Peach, and your eternal quest to win her hand. How on Earth did a plumber end up setting his eyes on a Princess?
MARIO: The heart cares not who it falls for.
MICHAEL: That’s very poetic of you.
MARIO: Plus in Mushroom Kingdom there’s only like three humans.
An awkward silence ensues.
Moving on. Your glorious run of games went from strength to strength, although like any career it wasn’t without it’s darker elements.
MARIO: What are you – a – talkin’ about?
MICHAEL: No one’s sure when it became a problem, but it was clear that after a few years you were consuming far too many mushrooms for your own good.
MARIO: It was purely for professional reasons!
MICAHEL: Regular was bad enough a product to put into yourself, but when you started branching into the mega and tiny strands you crossed a line.
MARIO: Nowadays of course I refrain from using mushrooms as much as possible. It’s possible for me to get by on flowers nowadays.
MICHAEL: There are nature lovers who are disgusted with how you uproot rare flowers for personal use.
Mopping his brow, the plumber suddenly looks older than his 48 years would suggest.
MARIO: It’s – a – something I’ve learned throughout my career; you can’t please everyone. Super Mario 2 didn’t go down well, and 2D fans rejected the Galaxy series. While I may not do everything right by everyone, I do try my best. Surely you can understand that, even if you have your own points of contention?
MICHAEL: I can. Quickly before I wake up – Top three video games?
MARIO: Ocarina of Time, Monster Hunter tri and World of Warcraft.
MICHAEL: Favorite Mario game?
MARIO: Ooooh, Mama Mia! Um, NSMB for the D.S. Really nice graphics plus retro gaming.
MICHAEL: And giant mushrooms 😀
MARIO: Interview over!
God I love napping.